DRINKING GAME: Stick It

A movie this bad is made better only in that you are watching half naked chicks dance around and getting drunk while you do it. Don’t lie about #3, we know it’s true.

“Drink Driving”

Is “drink driving” some new lingo I haven’t heard before? Is it like drinking while you’re driving instead of already being drunk?

Just another day at http://www.royalgazette.com

Overheard #1

Large black woman, swimming, to her child: “You take that lifejacket off and I’ll DROWN you!” Now that’s parenting.

alton brown- radio interview

Alton Brown rocks. Why don’t more people love his show?

things you need to know #1: robot chicken- star wars

You’re a freshman in college. You’re at a party with guys and somehow the drunken conversation turns to Star Wars (if you are thinking that this is an unlikely situation, then you clearly have never been to a college party). At this point, 3/4 of the room will begin trash-talking episodes 1, 2, and 3, saying how stupid Jar-Jar is and wondering at what type of crack George-y boy was smoking when he wrote the dialog. The minority will become enraged at such disloyalty- screaming will ensue. Finally, a mediator will emerge to stymie the argument. His point? “Has anyone seen that Star Wars Robot Chicken episode? That shit is funny.” Then someone else will pipe up “WHAT THE HELL IS AN ALUMINUM FALCON!?!?!” The entire crowd will laugh, and you, my dear unenlightened freshman, will have no idea what is going on.

Let me prevent your pain. Go here and watch the Robot Chicken episode. Great fun, although it does help to be a Star Wars fan. I’ll save your sorry ass the next time someone says “Vader! How’s my favorite sith?”

wal-mart joke

A Wal-Mart store was going through their exclusively competitive job app process. The manager narrowed down the applicants to 4 men, each equally qualified. As the final part of the process, he brings them one by one into the interview room for final questioning.

The first man walks in and the manager asks, “What’s the fastest thing you can think of?” The applicant ponders this for a moment and replies, “Thought. Yeah, thinking is fast.” The manager agrees.

The next man enters and when asked the same question replies, “A blink. Blinking happens and you don’t even realize you did it. It must be fast.”

The third man comes in and the manager asks him, “What’s the fastest thing you know of?” To this, the applicant replies, “Light. You turn on a light-switch and before you know it, POOF! The light is on.” The manager agrees, nothing is faster than light.

Finally, Bubba walks in. “What’s the fastest thing you can think of?” Bubba thinks for a long time. Then, just when the manager was worried that Bubba wouldn’t be able to think of anything, he says “Diarrhea.” “Diarrhea!?!?” the manager says, stunned.

“Yeah, I wasn’t feeling so good the other day, and I ran to the bathroom. But before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had shit my pants!”

Bubba is now the welcome salesman at a local Wal-Mart near you!

on the mend-hopefully

I’m feeling much, much better. Unfortunately, I still have this nagging fatigue that just won’t go away. I also have the slight problem of not knowing which computer store I dropped my hard drive off at sometime last week. See, this is what happened: My 500G Buffalo hard drive fell from the mantle piece above the fire place where it was plugged into my Xbox360 (I had been using it to play movies). The plastic case cracked open, exposing the innards. I knew at once that it was instant death. Naturally, I tried plugging it in, moving pieces around, using diffferent cords. No luck- no computer seemed to recognize it. A friend also had a 500G external so he brought his over and we tried to use his non-bent ports to connect my hard drive to my computer. Still no luck. So I called up a few data retreival companies that I found through the Western Digital site hoping to find something semi-affordable (i.e. not $2500…are you kidding me?). I end up taking it to a little dumpy store in my local town instead.

<Note: in my defense, I was still quite sick at this point, and had no voice what-so-ever. Go easy on me.>

My friend and I walk into this computer place. No wait, first of all, the shop is right next to a bakery factory…and a skating rink. We walk through the doorway and there is a man working on a computer with his back to us. We scuffle our feet, I cough, finally, he turns around and makes a huge, unnecessary deal about not knowing we were there (we had only been waiting for about 30 seconds). I begin to explain my problem (sounding like a pubescent boy, no doubt) and suddenly I am aware of someone new behind me trying to push past. Turning around I see a smiling woman with a bowl of water gesturing towards the flip-up counter. She shimmies between my friend and I and scoots under the opening, placing the water on the floor…for their…DOG?!?! She brushes her hands off, retreives a pen from her pocket and asks for my name. Needless to say, I forgot to even ask how much it was expected to cost. I blame the enormous slobbering mass that parked itself happily in my line of sight. Err…and I also forgot to get the name of the computer repair store. Good thing I live where I do. Anyplace else and it would be bye-bye dead hard drive! I’m just hoping the dog didn’t eat it.

paula deen: what did she just say?!? #1

I love cooking. Baking especially. But I can’t imagine having to do it in front of 5 cameras, a crew, or a live audience. Yeah right. I’d be spilling ingredients all over me, burning crap, looking the wrong way. Oh, it would be an absolute nightmare, hilarious to be sure. I do love to watch to Food Network though. I know all the chefs by name, all the shows. And I have complete respect for Giada, Ina, and good old Alton Brown. Buuuut there are occasions when I’m watching a show and the host comes out with something that just makes me wonder what on earth they were thinking. Paula Deen seems to do this a lot. So in her honor, I’m going to devote a column especially to her…

Date: August 18th, 2009.

Show: Paula Deen is making caramel popcorn balls when her two sons walk in. She’s got a saucepan full of thick syrup. One son asks her what she’s got cooking…and she says:

“It’s just a syrup that will stick our balls together…

You don’t want to touch it? I want to touch it.”

Seriously Paula? Seriously??

infomercials

In the midst of a bout of lightheadedness, I lay down on the couch in the living room with my head against the armrest. The TV was on- some black and white movie made decades ago. I watched the hyper-drama unfold through bleary, sun-sensative, contact-less eyes. Finally, commercial break:

1. The Potty Patch. A fake rectangle of “grass” that the dog is supposed to get on to go pee. Yeah right. The dogs in the infomercial were pretty much told to “go sit” on the “grass,” because they clearly were not peeing on it. How ridiculous are these people? Is anyone really stupid enough to buy that? I visited their website (just save yourself the time and don’t bother) just for kicks. Yeah, more like a kick in the head (how I feel anyway because of whatever the fuck sort of sickness I’ve come down with). And when I tried to navigate away from the site, up popped 2 “ARE YOU SUUUUUURE YOU WANT TO LEAVE?!?! Press cancel to stay and admire our fabulous product!!!!” Kill me.
2. Some backpain-relief apparatus. Basically, you strap yourself by the feet onto this thing and swing around so that your are hanging upside down, your head about 5 inches off the ground. You’re then supposed to do some sort of sit up and twist motion to “allow all the goodness to penetrate your spine.” Best part is that the guy advertising it is supposedly 70 years old. Hahahahaha. “Hey gramps, I got you something fun! Here, lemme just fasten you down and…weeeeee.” I can just see my grandmother walking in on that one.

Queue a repetitive Tupperware ad and I was just about ready to roll over and die. After I finished laughing at the vision of my grandfather hanging upside-down in the living room while my dog pees on a faux scrap of grass.

<<And I forgot to mention. When I went to try to find the physical measurements of the Potty Patch (think Great Dane), I dug up an old Craig’s List post where a person was selling a used Potty Patch. And because he was being oh so generous-  the advised selling price was $30.00! Down from $39.99! What a bargain!”